i’m in…

And the count down has begun…

For everything vital.
I can notice the change in my environment;
and more importantly, change in me.

Yeah. I believe that all life’s journey is an ascending spiral… Where you are constantly confronted with tasks slightly above the then capability of yours. You struggle, learn and finally ascend the step, only to find another one waiting for you. You dont even realize that you are doing all this, things happen…Just happen…
You ascend, just ascend… … … … … Become new. become better…

I have been learning many many things– New facts, new skills—a lot many things new..
And when I realize that I’ve learnt what I was struggling for, It means there is something else that in store for me…Something to be learnt…Something to be struggled for…

Yeah, some struggle to relish
some task to accomplish
Some joy to earn
Some skill to learn

I’M IN FOR IT

I’m fed up

Ones own intellectual enrichment and acquiring skills in practical management—
This paragraph by Charaka gave me 2 apt words to refer to my dilemmas.

What’s the use of putting all my soul into knowing things if I dont try to apply them?
Knowledge is meant to be applied.

As one gets to know new things, he can deal better with the practical situations. In my case it amounts to dealing with pain, and at times life. And as he keeps dealing with practical situations, he finds voids in his intellectual arena, and works to fill up the voids. And that keeps him ascending the spiral. This IS how it is supposed to be.

But that is not going on here. People read for the sake of exams—- just get things by heart, spit in the exams and forget them later. No one understands what they are reading, and even if they understand, they cant answer what’s and why’s about what they claim to understand. They dont realize the beauty in what they read, but still they do wonderful in their tasks!!

And for them, practical aspect is something different from theory, how–I dont know. They say some things are only for theory, and in practice, one just needs to know management lines and flowcharts in the books, drugs and dosages.

And I’m some one who struggles to keep in pace with the world which laughs when I dont speak in the exams.
But I’m sure it knows no better than me when it comes to real assessment of knowledge and skills

But the question is Am I what I think I am?

My notepad!

Here it is!! My mini white board. A gift from him

My cute desktop pad

You cannot just imagine how overjoyed I am!
I’ve fallen for it…
From the moment he handed it to me, I forgot myself!!!

Dont know why it appeals so much to me. Its just a simple small white board, from Reynolds, With a marker and an eraser. Its just like a white paper——blank… empty… Open for anything I choose to scribble… Just Any word, any verse…Any line, any shape… … …

But this one appeals more… … …

When I take the marker in my hand, I find my imagination forming shapes and shades on it effortlessly… Never did I like what I draw, earlier… But today, I loved every line and every curve that took shape on it!!

Ai... I'm enjoying myself!!

I’ve never liked pens and markers that made broad lines, I always chose those with fine and sharp tip. Now, I’ve fallen for one such marker! I love its large bold blunt broad strokes more than the miniature pictures and shades my pencil makes. All these simple lines and curves are beautiful!! I just cant believe my eyes!

I can make rough drafts, put reminders, jot down temporary important data, note schedules, make lists… Oh my god!

I’m addicted to it. I’m afraid I’m over using it….
Never mind!!

Thanks a lot dear, You have no idea of what you’ve actually gifted me by giving me this piece!
Believe me! I was screaming out of joy all the day….. I was enjoying myself!
I have absolutely no words to say how happy I was…am

P.S
Another advantage is that I can write anything, more importantly, I can wipe out everything in a single sweep! It’s many times easier than erasing something written with a pencil, No? Hence saves lot of paper and keeps me from losing temper!!

Well, I have the habit of scribbling random words, symbols and images while I think. I tend to do it automatically and effortlessly, always. Here, this board serves better than a book!
If I like what I write, I can have a snap from my mobile.
And if its crap, I erase it all… No risk of breach of privacy! And When I erase the ink, I feel as if I’m erasing all nonsense from my mind—I mean, It’s adding flavor to my imagination!!

Yeah, This is indeed a better option for the crap I dump, everyday, into some book specially meant for the purpose. Once, my mom gave away one of such books to some junior by mistake. That girl would have thought I was mentally ill. Poor girl, She could have been saved from all the regret of choosing to borrow my notes!! With this board now, No such mistakes happen!

So This one did make up for a small void in my life….

This can never be a substitute to my diary, but still, a wonderful add on!!

Death

March this year, in the ICU of a hospital, at around 4 am, my uncle died.

For the first time in my life, I’ve seen death.
For the first time in my life, I’ve seen a man dying.

8pm, the previous day, when I went to the hospital to see him, I knew that he had just a few hours to go. A diabetic, with poor blood sugar control, with cellulitis, landing in septic shock for second time, no urine output since 18 hrs, BP falling down….. I still found myself running to my seniors and teachers in search of something I could do to him (as a doc, or his kid, or both–I don’t know).
I knew that there was nothing I could do, but watch him die.
I knew that at that stage, no one on this earth can do anything to him.
I knew that he was bound to die.

All those eight hours, I sat on his bed..
staring at the dobutamine drip that kept his life clinging to him.

I sat beside him, witnessing his body and his failing system–body that would be lifeless soon.
I sat there, witnessing his suffering and struggle.. to live…

I sat there with him, to give his wife- my aunt- a few hours of sleep and solace….which she didn’t have since long; which, I know, she wouldn’t have any longer. (She didn’t sleep for many days. Or perhaps it was the assurance, that there was a doc taking care of her man, that made her have a sound sleep. Sound sleep was the only thing that I could give her.)

I sat there, for those eight hours,
watching death as it slowly crept;
watching it laugh at me, laugh at my helplessness;
watching it rejoice its victory over science–—-science that had always tried to defeat it, but only succeeded in postponing it;

I sat there watching it triumph; watching it remind me that it still remained undefeated… … …

Checking BP-which was falling despite dobutamine, looking at the monitor at the falling oxygen saturation, listening to his heart, checking his pupils, CPR when his heart stopped—I knew nothing would save him, but still an attempt to fight a losing battle…Just a feeble attempt to add a few breaths to his life… … …

Eight long hours..
Of my encounter with death… As a human, who’s also a doc.

I

Happiness

Finally, that’s what I want.
Happiness on every face
Happiness in every soul

I cant take anyone’s pain
I cant bear conflicts
I cant stand watching feelings of hatred—I would like to do something—Any thing to wash out all those ill feelings and ugly situations…

Irony is that I stay in pain
I choose to be in pain
I cannot be myself if I try to flee away from my pain.
I HAVE to feel it to the maximum…Its the only way to deal with it. I cant escape. And if I escape, I’ll lose myself.
The whirl of emotions in my mind end in pain
The flood of feelings filling in my soul drain into pain
Every word I speak, Every deed I do… everything, everything and everything gifts me pain.
Pain is the destination of every feeling, every thought and every action of mine.
Pain IS the destiny of my existence.

I can’t take the pain of ANYone around me…Leave alone the pain, I just cant bear any inconvenience to anyone… I’ll go great lengths to avoid it; But when it comes to mine, It’s something I dwell with. I can’t stay fine trying to escape it. Its my constant companion–a faithful companion rather. Its stays with me always.
I cry and cry and cry always. I’m fine with it. Very fine with it. Never fine without it.

I read that crying is foolish.
I hear that weeping is a sign of weakness and cowardice.
Imyself preach that nothing is strong enough to cause pain.

But still it is what I live with.
For me it’s not foolishness, Its wisdom– It clears my brain, makes me fit to think and act.
For me it’s not weakness, Its strength–Its makes me tackle anything ahead.
For me its not cowardice, Its courage– It makes me face everything head on.

I cant live without it. And I cant bear anyone else in pain!!

I want to gift everyone around me a smile. I’ll do anything for it–a smile on their face. Whatever it may cost me, it’s worth doing.
According to me, Its the only thing worth doing.
When it comes to me, I cry cry and cry…and let the pain stay with me all along and all alone.

This is how I live.

Unclear.

I ‘m just afraid I would let everything pass on unregistered. I wanted to write about everything–for 2 reasons ofcourse–First reason is that I’m happy with the changes in me, though I am not quite content with the extent of change. True that I want to be better,As I had always wanted, but still, I’m glad to findmyself like this now,And I want to relish this feeling a little longer by … by writing,ofcourse!

The second reason is that I want to record everything.
Its almost as if everything is being changed now suddenly… Its perhaps almost as same as what bella(of Twilight) would have felt on her first day of veing a vampire. Perhaps this change was not too sudden as bella’s was. Perhaps I was too busy to notice it.Perhaps Iwas late to recognise all this earlier and make use of all this before I became wierd and started to hate myself. Quite possible, I can’t deny.

This is the first time I feel myself doing things. I know that only I would know how much this means to me. I dont know if this really was a good thing to be happy about. Perhaps this was happening all along, exactly the same way as I always wanted, Only that I was too absorbed in my job to admire it. An Now that I can admire it actually means that I’m not at all absorbed in it. In that sense this is something worthy to mourn. But I’m happy… Perhaps, sometime later, this would appear ridiculous to me, as if I am rejoicing at a death—Death of personified perfection! Thats sadistic. Cruel. I pity myself.

It seems I am here to drain all the joy out of me and drag me back into senses. This kind of joy is an intoxication to me. I know it. I would get easily lost. I would forget all my desires, leave alone my responsibility of fulfilling them.

Shit.

Awake!!

I’d like to call it an ‘impulse’–(Let me be honest atleast, by admitting that it was not intuition.) Some luck that’s pushing me forward in right ways…And I taking all the credit for myself!!

How could I say that I was just getting lucky? And who would believe it though?

Well, I know pretty well that I would never admit it. Ha! Why would I? I was content with the charm it has cast, No?

People don’t just get lucky always, So do I.

I fell down with a thud. Back in senses again—grin—

A pause…

To make a note of things going on…
To remind myself of everything that I was doing.

After I returned to my den, It all seems new—I mean, I was surprised to find soo much time, all for myself. I rejoice it. I rejoice having the opportunity of making a choice as to what I would do with my time… I haven’t been wise in using the freedom, but still, This is enough to boost me up. This is enough to
————————————————————————————————–

Was just away to talk to my friend… I mean, write to my friend.So I lost track of what I wanted to write. But what was already written–Hmm.. I think its worth noting down.

Its so strange, I don’t feel the need to write any more today!!

Back to my work!!

Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening

Whose woods these are I think I know.
His house is in the village, though;
He will not see me stopping here
To watch his woods fill up with snow.

My little horse must think it queer
To stop without a farmhouse near
Between the woods and frozen lake
The darkest evening of the year.

He gives his harness bells a shake
To ask if there is some mistake.
The only other sound’s the sweep
Of easy wind and downy flake.

The woods are lovely, dark, and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

Robert Frost

College day!

When the celebrations began, I decided not to involve in ANY event– Right from inauguration till the last program.
The next day, I gave myself an exception..I told myself that I would play mixed doubles in carroms and nothing else. Then the number of exceptions became three–I added my name to the participant list for teams cricket and Treasure hunt…

That didn’t end there either!

Now I am the coordinator for the entire cultural programmes.
I am the one who takes care of lists, schedules the events, coordinates the activities of the participants of all batches–I dont know what else I need to do bearing the title of a coordinator…

I didn’t want to participate…I have no interest, absolutely no interest, in participation. I dont know the reason…Or perhaps I know–I think I can give two explanations though I am not sure about the right one among them.

Firstly, I am not ready to lose time. I want to study. I want to put as much effort and time as possible into my academics. I want to improve, desperately, and I wanted to invest every moment possible for its very sake.

Second cause, probably, is depression. Or inferiority, perhaps! When I sat down to think what I can do, I got no answer. I didn’t feel like participating in any competition. I was sure, cock sure, that I can do nothing. I was not even sure of striking a coin into the hole when I was playing carroms. I was gloomy all the time, all these days…. Perhaps, I would be right if I say that i didn’t dare to participate.

but now, I dont regret.
I have given myself enough time to stay gloomy.
I have given myself enough time to ponder over worthless thoughts
I was patient enouth to tolerate silly excuses.

I will no longer let everything go on like this.

To fail is not a sin.
To fail to try is a sin. An unforgivable sin.

I am happy now that i am involved in the job.
I am happy that I , now, realized that nothing is worse than being idle.
I am glad that I will never ever again feel like staying passive. I dread it.

I am back again!!

————————————————————————————————-

Lost mixed doubles. Because of me, I know! Too many minuses on the verge of victory–Its all my fault… . Desh dissappointed

Teen’s cricket or team’s cricket, I dont know! With all its stupid rules, Our team– (of 6) with me who never knew how to hold a bat, won the game against our juniors–when 3 of 6 in the opponent’s team were players of our college’s main team!!

Treasure hunt: Managed to chase 16 clues out of 21 before someone made it to the end! Too far from the goal!!!

In addition,
participated in slow bike race. Lost, ofcourse, but happy