Ones own intellectual enrichment and acquiring skills in practical management—
This paragraph by Charaka gave me 2 apt words to refer to my dilemmas.

What’s the use of putting all my soul into knowing things if I dont try to apply them?
Knowledge is meant to be applied.

As one gets to know new things, he can deal better with the practical situations. In my case it amounts to dealing with pain, and at times life. And as he keeps dealing with practical situations, he finds voids in his intellectual arena, and works to fill up the voids. And that keeps him ascending the spiral. This IS how it is supposed to be.

But that is not going on here. People read for the sake of exams—- just get things by heart, spit in the exams and forget them later. No one understands what they are reading, and even if they understand, they cant answer what’s and why’s about what they claim to understand. They dont realize the beauty in what they read, but still they do wonderful in their tasks!!

And for them, practical aspect is something different from theory, how–I dont know. They say some things are only for theory, and in practice, one just needs to know management lines and flowcharts in the books, drugs and dosages.

And I’m some one who struggles to keep in pace with the world which laughs when I dont speak in the exams.
But I’m sure it knows no better than me when it comes to real assessment of knowledge and skills

But the question is Am I what I think I am?

Ha!

I forgot to post my marks!!

ENT : 66%
Ophthalmology : 66%
Community medicine : 61.5%

I dont know what to speak about them.
I expected something worse. I wasnt sure if I would be able to make them to 50%.
I know nothing. I’ve learnt nothing…
I’ve forgot the existance of a process called learning.

I’ve ceased to exist.
I’ve ceased to see find beauty in life.

This is its end

I don’t know.

Don’t know what happened to me
Don’t know why I am so irresponsible
Don’t know why I am blank..passive..reckless..

I keep no promises
I fulfill no responsibility
All my days go blank.
Filled with trash

All empty…useless..
full of unimplemented resolutions
full of abandoned desires

All gloomy..dull..
No joy..
No excitement
No energy
No achievement

I don’t want this.
I will not let this continue.

Hope I will keep this word I give to myself

This space means a ot to me.
What ever I write here comes from the core of my heart.
I trust that I would respect what my soul desires.
I trust that I would stand on my decisions.

I will work on ENT.

Back after a ve……ry long gap!!

Have lots and lots of things going on in my mind at this moment..But am not sure how to organize and pen down.
I am afraid this may turn drab

Right now I feel sooo free and relieved—I have just put and end to my internal examinations! Don’t know why I am so bad with exams..I hate their very thought. But I must say this time I was better…I could reduce the duration of my classical preexam pauses(from days to hours!), though couldn’t abolish them completely!! (thanks to a friend’s aid ) . As always, I am not satisfied with my performance. And I am not eager to know how I will be judged by marks…

Glad that the worst and most drab period of exams has come to an end now!
Glad that I am free till march!!!