Its as if I discovered something!

Discovered…
That I have done nothing!!

Its surprising..
But still..It is true.

Done nothing.
Know nothing.
Learnt nothing.
Created nothing.
Spoiled nothing.

Ha! Ha!

This is the begining!!

Some crap.. may be.

Don’t know what is happening.
But it’s true…And I don’t want to stop it.
I want to let everything go on…May it gift me prospects…or lead me into everlasting devastation.

Beneficial or destructive doesnt matter. Well, Nothing really matters to me now.
NO…It matters. But I want to convince myself that it doesnt matter

I think I have learned to live with it.
Live with pain
Live with frustation
Live with disgust

tTo be more correct, I have learnt to live ignoring the pain and disgust…

I think I have learnt to stay moving on despite pain and desgust…
It would be correct perhaps if I say that I am trying to learn… … …

Well everything is new.
Everything is as if I am new here.
It is as if I have never been here before…
I want to move on.
I just want to keep moving on…

I don’t know.

Don’t know what happened to me
Don’t know why I am so irresponsible
Don’t know why I am blank..passive..reckless..

I keep no promises
I fulfill no responsibility
All my days go blank.
Filled with trash

All empty…useless..
full of unimplemented resolutions
full of abandoned desires

All gloomy..dull..
No joy..
No excitement
No energy
No achievement

I don’t want this.
I will not let this continue.

Hope I will keep this word I give to myself

This space means a ot to me.
What ever I write here comes from the core of my heart.
I trust that I would respect what my soul desires.
I trust that I would stand on my decisions.

I will work on ENT.

I feel I can dare to come back.

After long long hours of melancholy… I now consider myself near normal…near original.
At least,
I think I can claim a right over this page…from myself.

Looks funny??
This is truth.
My truth.

This is a kind of rebirth.

I don’t say I have recovered.

But I can say
with all guts,
with all confidence,
that I have regained my soul.

All these days, It was as if I’d lost it somewhere. I remained, a soulless being.

Its enough.
ITS ENOUGH.

Now
No regrets.
No escapism.
No concealment.
No rationalization.
Nothing.
NOTHING.

Well I have got a lot of work—No time for leisurely ramblings!!

Discovered an abnormal personality trait in myself.

I tend to be very comfortable with myself. I can observe self, command self, check self, counter self, judge self..In short, I can deal myself very well. I have such an extent of control on myself that I seldom crave for an external(material or human) aid. I can tackle myself and my actions in any condition. I may be wrong(afterall, I am a human being)..But I am fine like this. This state of self sufficiency gives me courage and confidence to rush ahead in all my endeavours.

But, these days, my observations reveal that I am comfortable ONLY with myself. I find paralysed when I have to go into people. I can stand the conditions as long as I can work in my own ways(small adjustments in small issues dont matter). But when the need crosses the boundary, All my senses get blocked(including sixth) and I find myself paralysed before I can attempt to think what to do and how to do… I start acting in the extremely senseless and stupid manner…I turn too wierd…

I have to work on this dimension. I have to learn to synergize.

After vigourous thought, came to a resolution…

Dont know what gave me courage..but I resolved despite barriers of society, religion, obligations and inhibitions…
I am still not able judge myself…
But there is no retreat.

I have chosen my partner.

Yes.

Fear masks..
The joy of finding a person who likes me as myself…who likes my very being
The joy of finding a person whom I love, trust, admire, honour more than anyone else..more than myself.

Huh…
I am helpless..I cannot promise that I will be with him till my last breath.

I pity myself.

The excitement, joy, blush are nowhere found…Melancholy remains…
What a pity!

“Pain is an indication of an underlying illness. Injudicious use of analgesics without proper evaluation of cause MUST be avoided.”

Very true.

When you feel bad..when you feel pained..it means that there is something that troubles you. Pain is an indication that something is wrong. Pain is a signal which indicates necessity of some alterations and modifications–either in thought process or in course of action.

When something pains you, evaluate and eliminate the cause. Don’t ignore or try to avoid it…It may save you from devastating consequences, who knows?