Ones own intellectual enrichment and acquiring skills in practical management—
This paragraph by Charaka gave me 2 apt words to refer to my dilemmas.

What’s the use of putting all my soul into knowing things if I dont try to apply them?
Knowledge is meant to be applied.

As one gets to know new things, he can deal better with the practical situations. In my case it amounts to dealing with pain, and at times life. And as he keeps dealing with practical situations, he finds voids in his intellectual arena, and works to fill up the voids. And that keeps him ascending the spiral. This IS how it is supposed to be.

But that is not going on here. People read for the sake of exams—- just get things by heart, spit in the exams and forget them later. No one understands what they are reading, and even if they understand, they cant answer what’s and why’s about what they claim to understand. They dont realize the beauty in what they read, but still they do wonderful in their tasks!!

And for them, practical aspect is something different from theory, how–I dont know. They say some things are only for theory, and in practice, one just needs to know management lines and flowcharts in the books, drugs and dosages.

And I’m some one who struggles to keep in pace with the world which laughs when I dont speak in the exams.
But I’m sure it knows no better than me when it comes to real assessment of knowledge and skills

But the question is Am I what I think I am?

Today taught me a lessen.

I had always been questioning myself ‘What’s wrong in being as I am now?’
I got an answer to it today.
I got to know whats really wrong in being like this.

The problem is not with making mistakes.
The problem lies in rationalizing, and ignoring them.
The problem lies in not attempting to correct them.
The problem lies in not trying to be better.
The problem lies in the tendency to taking no care about my next step.

I will work on it.

One must try to be perfect.
I know it is an ideal condition..But trials must never cease.

Its as if I discovered something!

Discovered…
That I have done nothing!!

Its surprising..
But still..It is true.

Done nothing.
Know nothing.
Learnt nothing.
Created nothing.
Spoiled nothing.

Ha! Ha!

This is the begining!!

Some crap.. may be.

Don’t know what is happening.
But it’s true…And I don’t want to stop it.
I want to let everything go on…May it gift me prospects…or lead me into everlasting devastation.

Beneficial or destructive doesnt matter. Well, Nothing really matters to me now.
NO…It matters. But I want to convince myself that it doesnt matter

I think I have learned to live with it.
Live with pain
Live with frustation
Live with disgust

tTo be more correct, I have learnt to live ignoring the pain and disgust…

I think I have learnt to stay moving on despite pain and desgust…
It would be correct perhaps if I say that I am trying to learn… … …

Well everything is new.
Everything is as if I am new here.
It is as if I have never been here before…
I want to move on.
I just want to keep moving on…

I am mad.

Perhaps its an excuse…

An excuse to explain all my failures
A reason chosen to rationalize my inabilities

I dont want excuses
I dont want regrets
I dont want to hear the stupid phrase ‘I could have been better”

I hate it.
I hate incapability.
I hate incompetence.

I hate dwelling in guise of excuses.

Will
Is strong.

Stronger than might
Powerful than fate
Reliable than fortune

Will
Is the core of existence.

“Pain is an indication of an underlying illness. Injudicious use of analgesics without proper evaluation of cause MUST be avoided.”

Very true.

When you feel bad..when you feel pained..it means that there is something that troubles you. Pain is an indication that something is wrong. Pain is a signal which indicates necessity of some alterations and modifications–either in thought process or in course of action.

When something pains you, evaluate and eliminate the cause. Don’t ignore or try to avoid it…It may save you from devastating consequences, who knows?