Here it is!! My mini white board. A gift from him

My cute desktop pad

You cannot just imagine how overjoyed I am!
I’ve fallen for it…
From the moment he handed it to me, I forgot myself!!!

Dont know why it appeals so much to me. Its just a simple small white board, from Reynolds, With a marker and an eraser. Its just like a white paper——blank… empty… Open for anything I choose to scribble… Just Any word, any verse…Any line, any shape… … …

But this one appeals more… … …

When I take the marker in my hand, I find my imagination forming shapes and shades on it effortlessly… Never did I like what I draw, earlier… But today, I loved every line and every curve that took shape on it!!

Ai... I'm enjoying myself!!

I can make rough drafts, put reminders, jot down temporary important data, note schedules, make lists… Oh my god!

I’m addicted to it. I’m afraid I’m over using it….
Never mind!!

Thanks a lot dear, You have no idea of what you’ve actually gifted me by giving me this piece!
Believe me! I was screaming out of joy all the day….. I was enjoying myself!
I have absolutely no words to say how happy I was…am

P.S
Another advantage is that I can write anything, more importantly, I can wipe out everything in a single sweep! It’s many times easier than erasing something written with a pencil, No? Hence saves lot of paper and keeps me from losing temper!!

Well, I have the habit of scribbling random words, symbols and images while I think. I tend to do it automatically and effortlessly, always. Here, this board serves better than a book!
If I like what I write, I can have a snap from my mobile.
And if its crap, I erase it all… No risk of breach of privacy! And When I erase the ink, I feel as if I’m erasing all nonsense from my mind—I mean, It’s adding flavor to my imagination!!

Yeah, This is indeed a better option for the crap I dump, everyday, into some book specially meant for the purpose. Once, my mom gave away one of such books to some junior by mistake. That girl would have thought I was mentally ill. Poor girl, She could have been saved from all the regret of choosing to borrow my notes!! With this board now, No such mistakes happen!

So This one did make up for a small void in my life….

This can never be a substitute to my diary, but still, a wonderful add on!!

I am mad.

Perhaps its an excuse…

An excuse to explain all my failures
A reason chosen to rationalize my inabilities

I dont want excuses
I dont want regrets
I dont want to hear the stupid phrase ‘I could have been better”

I hate it.
I hate incapability.
I hate incompetence.

I hate dwelling in guise of excuses.

I started hating this.

My blog ceases to serve the purpose of its creation.
My blog ceases to serve as an outlet for all the inner turmoil.
My blog ceases to depict crudest part of myself preserving all its subtility.

I may change or modify myself as the circumstances demand..But I want my wildest self to survive atleast in these few posts…

I want myself to be portrayed as I am–
I want to expose my thought process..my value system..
my assets..my flaws..
my dreams..plans and efforts..
the wonders I make..
the blunders I commit…everything..everything..
Everything as they are..without the fear of being a destructor of my own image.

What I am now is the final result of a great deal of processing…
What the world knows is the final outcome.

But I want to give a form to all the processing that goes on in my mind–I want to frame them as words and record them here
I want to disclose everything in their crudest form…
I want to take advantage of anonymity..the greatest provision in the world of blogging.

I want my blog to depict the real I…

Discovered an abnormal personality trait in myself.

I tend to be very comfortable with myself. I can observe self, command self, check self, counter self, judge self..In short, I can deal myself very well. I have such an extent of control on myself that I seldom crave for an external(material or human) aid. I can tackle myself and my actions in any condition. I may be wrong(afterall, I am a human being)..But I am fine like this. This state of self sufficiency gives me courage and confidence to rush ahead in all my endeavours.

But, these days, my observations reveal that I am comfortable ONLY with myself. I find paralysed when I have to go into people. I can stand the conditions as long as I can work in my own ways(small adjustments in small issues dont matter). But when the need crosses the boundary, All my senses get blocked(including sixth) and I find myself paralysed before I can attempt to think what to do and how to do… I start acting in the extremely senseless and stupid manner…I turn too wierd…

I have to work on this dimension. I have to learn to synergize.

Something caught my attention when I was turning the pages of my diary yesterday…(It was written in those early days when I resolved to become a doctor..)—-

“I will be the best doctor ever existed”

I couldn’t help laughing at my childish ramblings. :-)

Dont understand what I really meant by ‘best’..Best in terms of what??— Efficiency? Income? Fame? or a combination??
Obvious that it was a resolution to ‘achieve’ something. Being efficient—Is it an achievement?
My goodness!!
Efficiency is not an achievement, it is a necessity.
Being efficient is not an additional but an essential qualification.  

Doctor is one who is consulted incase of an ill-health for medical advice, treatment and relief. If he cannot be of any help in such situations, whats the fun of calling him a doctor?!!