I feel too bad at times. Coming out of those moods is not difficult, Yeah, Not really difficult…But I dont want to…I really dont want to.
I would want to weep—bitterly…I feel I deserve to weep.. And I deserve the pain…
I want the emotion to get deep into my soul, twist me and squeeze me…
I want every other thought to be blocked and only the pain to remain…
I dont know why. I would want to convince myself that this is all silly and the only reality is the truth that everything can be handled…In fact, I know pretty well that nothing is so fatal…And that things are not really so worst…
But question comes—Do things need to be worst to cause pain? Or is there any hardfast rule that things being worst must cause pain?
I really dont understand…Things have gone beyond logic…And I still linger to this kind of posts trying to establish a valid syllogism…
People say pain is unbearable…But for me, Not being influenced by pain proves unbearable…It is a sin rather!
I dont dare to question why.
The real I... 
Hi there,
I am not certain I understand what you are saying,
but can feel you are hurting from something.
It sometimes helps to talk about it.
And anonymity can also be of help.
So if you wish to open up, I am all ears.
It feels awful to find somebody is hurting.
(Or if you prefer, you have my email.)
But do find somebody to talk to, it may help.
Thanks little indian. Nothing is so serious.
Probably there is something that is hurting me..But even I dont understand what it is…
My foolishness?
Or feeling of incompetence?
Or the wide disparity between my actions and expectations; between my dreams and reality?
Or my tendency to exaggerate simple things and take them to heart?…
In fact, I can give a million more options for myself to choose among…
I am pretty well…
I am doing well at academics; I am cheerful all the way; I am taking up new tasks; I am working for my improvement; I am doing everything that makes me feel good…
If this is all being fine…then I AM fine…
But still, at the end of the day, I feel bad.
Everyday, I find something that makes me feel bad.
…
…
…
The rest is what my post says.
When I get back to my blog, I dont feel like speaking about anything else but writing about how I feel.
I am absolutely normal in my behaviour. But still I cant escape this feeling.
Things go on that way.
hi ra!
i hve read the comments.
i said u,hw it looks to others its that the comments reflect.
umm… i think i understand. i think i really do. though am not sure.
sounds familiar. i think you should keep writing about this in posts; vent it out. it helps, doesn’t it?
Sorry, akhila,
I wasn’t being nosey.
I hope you have reasoned it out by yourself, as you usually do.
i absolutely identify with this post… its like even can’t get over this constant need of feeling sad… its not that i want to feel sad – compulsively… but just that i do – end up being mellow and so so lost in my world…
i completely feel the same way you feel…
ps – am the same as ennui’s author… but deleted theblog due to complications…. i’d rather be anonymous from now on…
It’s sounds a lot like I tend to feel. Everything is fine from an objective point of view, but it still feels bad. In my case I finally decided I was indeed depressed because of the long time that passed without an improvement and the autonomic symptoms and all. Of course I can’t say everybody is depressed, maybe you just need something outside the routine that makes your mind go back to its place. And never stop dreaming no matter how impossible it seems. Dreams are a source of pain and joy at the same time.
Akhila: You are right in a way—days without improvement might have made me frustated…
@little indian: I know you weren’t nosey. I know you sincerely wanted to help me… But…
The other day my friend was looking at the post and his reaction was same as yours. He wasn’t ready to believe that everything was alright.
He was right probably..in saying this post gives an impression that something is seriously wrong…
[…Shrug]
@sunshine: Well, that really is the purpose of my blog… I dont think I can get on without an outlet 🙂
@juturna: Hi! Glad to find you back! Glad that some of your posts(whick I liked) are still on your blog! 🙂
thats OK Akhila,
I presume you are busy with your studies, don’t see you much here,
I have a feeling I do know what meant about how you feel so if ever you wish to bounce your thoughts with a stranger, you have my email.
Best wishes,
I identify too somewhat… Like you need pain to purify yourself… sort of melodramatic, but thats kind of how I feel, sometimes. But isnt that all an illusion?
Like, yes you want to suffer, suffer generally, to provide an outlet for excess energy, which makes you feel so incomplete, unsatisfied… or an energy which is being misutilized in an activity which consumes more time than abilities. Once you start taking up lots of new, original, never-before-type tasks, achieving dreams, getting more and more confident about your ability to survive, forging intense and healthy relationships with people, people who are just like you, share the same dreams, ambitions, initiative, it starts fading away, gradually.
Akhila: Doing the same…I find the feeling fading away now…