Unclear.

I ‘m just afraid I would let everything pass on unregistered. I wanted to write about everything–for 2 reasons ofcourse–First reason is that I’m happy with the changes in me, though I am not quite content with the extent of change. True that I want to be better,As I had always wanted, but still, I’m glad to findmyself like this now,And I want to relish this feeling a little longer by … by writing,ofcourse!

The second reason is that I want to record everything.
Its almost as if everything is being changed now suddenly… Its perhaps almost as same as what bella(of Twilight) would have felt on her first day of veing a vampire. Perhaps this change was not too sudden as bella’s was. Perhaps I was too busy to notice it.Perhaps Iwas late to recognise all this earlier and make use of all this before I became wierd and started to hate myself. Quite possible, I can’t deny.

This is the first time I feel myself doing things. I know that only I would know how much this means to me. I dont know if this really was a good thing to be happy about. Perhaps this was happening all along, exactly the same way as I always wanted, Only that I was too absorbed in my job to admire it. An Now that I can admire it actually means that I’m not at all absorbed in it. In that sense this is something worthy to mourn. But I’m happy… Perhaps, sometime later, this would appear ridiculous to me, as if I am rejoicing at a death—Death of personified perfection! Thats sadistic. Cruel. I pity myself.

It seems I am here to drain all the joy out of me and drag me back into senses. This kind of joy is an intoxication to me. I know it. I would get easily lost. I would forget all my desires, leave alone my responsibility of fulfilling them.

Shit.

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