March this year, in the ICU of a hospital, at around 4 am, my uncle died.
For the first time in my life, I’ve seen death.
For the first time in my life, I’ve seen a man dying.
8pm, the previous day, when I went to the hospital to see him, I knew that he had just a few hours to go. A diabetic, with poor blood sugar control, with cellulitis, landing in septic shock for second time, no urine output since 18 hrs, BP falling down….. I still found myself running to my seniors and teachers in search of something I could do to him (as a doc, or his kid, or both–I don’t know).
I knew that there was nothing I could do, but watch him die.
I knew that at that stage, no one on this earth can do anything to him.
I knew that he was bound to die.
All those eight hours, I sat on his bed..
staring at the dobutamine drip that kept his life clinging to him.
I sat beside him, witnessing his body and his failing system–body that would be lifeless soon.
I sat there, witnessing his suffering and struggle.. to live…
I sat there with him, to give his wife- my aunt- a few hours of sleep and solace….which she didn’t have since long; which, I know, she wouldn’t have any longer. (She didn’t sleep for many days. Or perhaps it was the assurance, that there was a doc taking care of her man, that made her have a sound sleep. Sound sleep was the only thing that I could give her.)
I sat there, for those eight hours,
watching death as it slowly crept;
watching it laugh at me, laugh at my helplessness;
watching it rejoice its victory over science–—-science that had always tried to defeat it, but only succeeded in postponing it;
I sat there watching it triumph; watching it remind me that it still remained undefeated… … …
Checking BP-which was falling despite dobutamine, looking at the monitor at the falling oxygen saturation, listening to his heart, checking his pupils, CPR when his heart stopped—I knew nothing would save him, but still an attempt to fight a losing battle…Just a feeble attempt to add a few breaths to his life… … …
Eight long hours..
Of my encounter with death… As a human, who’s also a doc.
The real I... 
Leave a Reply