Since yesterday, I’ve been thinking about a strange analogy.
Analogy of life, as a maze. The maze of a particular pc game that I once used to play (when I was in my 8th standard) flashes into my mind. We are like players, left at some point in the maze, left alone to go inside. There is nothing like one single correct way, Its just a complicated maze where you have many options..You are free to choose any path, and every path is different and unique.. and will take you to different destinations…You will decide things for yourself, that is how it is designed to be, that is how it is supposed to be. You can choose anything, you are free to choose anything…Its just that You are given too many options…

Life is mysterious. Its always full of surprises.


Its wierd.

It is not new to me, I’d always been like that. But still, I must say, Its wierd.

Everyone, usuallly, look, perceive, think, plan and act… Life is a sort of simple for them, in this way…

But in my case, its wierd.

I look, percieve, think— but I’d never know when I’ve done all of it… It just happens, I never know when it happens. I act, but always would have to think of what made me act so…

I dont know, I told you, Its wierd.
Its like I’m discovering something inside me that made me act so.
Its like all my feelings and decisions are not my conscious act, but just long sought treasures for which I constantly probe myself…
Its like they are already there, deep inside, and I only need to identify what is inside…

I dont know why it is so complicated with me.
All the information I take in though my observations, All the impressions that people and situations make on me, All the opinions I form, conclusions I make, suggestions I take… Its all like I have a super processor inside me that wonderfully blends everything to deliver the best and finest result ever possible with the input that has been given to it. Only I need to access it. Unfortunately, I dont. I ignore the process of looking inside me, very often, perhaps most often. Or I escape the process. Or sometimes I go half way through, and quit. what else could I do? Its confusing, its difficult. Its frustating, sometimes painful. But what I get when I get to the bottom is something that my conscious mind can never prove logically wrong. I mean, Its always so perfect, and in no way a match to what my brain would have thought and decided consciously abt the issue.

does it happen only with me? Or is it the same with everyone?

But I dont see anyone like that. Or atleast not too obviously like that. I take a lot of time to speak. I take a lot of time and effort to communicate. At times, i cannot take decisions so soon. I’d have to think about it too much, and for me, thinking is like looking deep inside me as to what actually occurs to me….
Its wonderful, But its wierd.
It is all wierd, true, but at the same time wonderful!


Your EQ is 133

You are remarkable when it comes to relating with others. Only the biggest losers get under your skin.

You are warm and open. Even when life gets you down, you’re unafraid of the world and its challenges.
You are comfortable with who you are. And you accept your weaknesses – as well as the weaknesses of others.

While you are quite stable, you don’t respond perfectly to every bad situation that comes up.
But you have enough emotional intelligence to know when you need a course correction.

Big 5

I’m a O70-C2-E48-A87-N87 Big Five!!

The world laughs, i cry,
the world is happy, i’m utterly troubled and confused.
The world enjoys, i weep, hold on to boundless pain and torture, all unrevealed.

Hey hey hey
Where am I going, what am I doing?

I dunno. Oh no, I think I know. Only that I’ve become a bit lazy. NO a lot more times lazy. So lazy that I’m ready to forget all my dreams, put aside all my desires. OH I HAVE DECIDED TO ABANDON MYSELF???

I dont know what all this is.
Its as if I am searching for a place to hide myself and my thoughts. Its like I wanted an area where I can write and talk anything…ANYTHING without anyone or anything coming into my stupid sesses to stop me.
I know this is my place.
I know what rules I’ve given to myself when I started this blog. I’m glad that I am following them to this day.
Perhaps the only thing about me that I can show to myself and this world as something that I have ‘accomplished’.

I broke all the rules I had once put for myself in my life.
I failed in ALL my plans
I betrayed ALL my relations
I hate myself, and I have absolutely NO reason to love myself.
But after all its me, and I still love the fact that something called I exists. Oh Yeah, I am happy that I’m alive.. and that I still have this life to live. Perhaps thats the only reason that saves me when I’m depressed, when I can no longer stand myself.

I dont know if I am talking sense. I mean, I dont know if it makes sense to those who read…



Oh what else should I call them??
So many, one after the other
All irreversible, uncorrectable

Oh, how funny! All those were committed in an attempt to preserve something precious, Oh why I didn’t I realize that I’m actually actively destroying what I strongly wanted to preserve?!

Now what can I do?

An intern now…

Results are out a week ago.

Here are my scores

Medicine : 60.33%
Surgery : 68.7%
Obs&gyn : 72.5%
paediatrics: 69%

On the whole, In part ll– I have 66.77%
In part I– I had scored 63.5%

That way,My MBBS percentage comes to 65.77%

Internship started from yesterday.
Posted to ENT now, for 3 days.
Then I’ll be going to casualty… for a month, I think.

Not in a mood to write more. I’m not fine. Need some time alone, Need some time away from everyone, everything, even from my conscience…

I’m tired, really.

For an instance

Consider a typical day in life… You do something, spend it… And at the end of the day, you find yourself too exhausted(oh I don’t mean pure physical exhaustion, where A few hours of uninterrupted sound sleep will bring back your vigor, But that is not what I refer to. I talk about the inner fruits. I talk about what you feel, inside..).
You find all your energy and vigor drained out… you feel no longer good about your day…
If you look back, you find nothing to feel happy about, nothing to feel proud about, nothing to rejoice about. Only dull and grey shades of gloominess, pain and regret remain.
You were busy all the day, never stayed idle for a single moment, but still you find it empty. You find it blank. … … … … … … … ..

That only means that, all the day, you were engaged with some stupid task that drains all your energy, but gives nothing in return. Instead makes you feel tired, tense, lost…Huh!

Oh god! How did I survive like this for 2 years?!!!

Some self talk

I think I understand something.

forgetting or remembering a b’day is not at all a matter.
What matters is the feeling that you are unwanted.

Question yourself… Are they unwanted?
Just answer the question… and you will know what happened, and what you need to do now.